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L’Astrologie: What French Dish Are You?

May 10, 2016

coq au vin
Here’s how astrology can be pragmatic: by telling you what French dish you should eat next. Or which French dish most mirrors you, existentially. Because, yes, you can peer into a vol-au-vent and see your soul. (Image details at the end of article!)

Bélier (Aries): Escargot
This super-rich, warm, buttery, garlicky appetizer is not for the faint of heart, and an Aries is anything but faint of heart. There’s an element of risk involved in trying snails, which is not an ingredient found in many other cuisines, but this open-minded sign is always down to try something new. Aries folk are proud individuals who like to show off how unique they are; escargots are also unique, so unique that they demand to be served in their own special escargot plate with their own special escargot tongs.

Taureau (Taurus): Hachis Parmentier
Taureans are meat-and-potatoes kind of of people, in that they stick to food they know is rich and good, without trying anything out of their comfort zone. You can bet that a Taurus traveling to the UK will order a Shepherd’s Pie, which is basically the English equivalent of Hachis Parmentier. Look closer, and you’ll notice the Taurean love of refinement behind simplicity. Hachis Parmentier is made of mashed potatoes, minced meat, and sauce Lyonnaise, made of white wine, onions, and demi-glace.

Gémeaux (Gemini): Foie Gras
Geminis are known for being smooth talkers, and what is smoother on the tongue than foie gras? The dual nature of Gemini, symbolized by twins, also means there is another side of the coin to delicious foie gras: that the force-feeding needed to turn geese into foie gras is animal cruelty. Nevertheless, a true Gemini would be able to make a strong argument for either case, then go off and enjoy a glass of wine and some foie gras with just about anyone as they are so charismatic.

Cancer (Cancer): Vol-au-Vent
Cancers are shy by nature, hiding in their little shells, much like vol-au-vents hiding in their little shells of puff pastry. Crab is a popular vol-au-vent filling, and cancers are symbolized by the crab. Once they’re comfortable—say, after a couple of glasses of champagne, which usually accompanies vol-au-vents at awkward (but fancy) networking functions—Cancers are totally sociable and great to chat with.

Lion (Leo): Croque Madame
Like Leos, the Croque Madame is a bit of a Queen; nobody dare call this item a “Croque Monsieur with an egg on top.” No way. It wants its own name, and what a Leo wants, a Leo gets. The egg sits on top of the bread, ham, cheese, and béchamel like a sun; and what was it the famous King Louis XIV called himself? Le Roi-Soleil (the Sun King).

Vierge (Virgo): Souffle Au Fromage
Virgos are very particular and high-maintenance, and they are perfectionists. Considering how easy it is to mess up a cheese soufflé—how it can literally just sink before your eyes—only a meticulous Virgo would be up to the task of making a dish this technical. And if it doesn’t turn out well, like the soufflé, the Virgo’s heart will totally sink, as they are extremely self-critical. But they’ll definitely try again, and this time, it will be perfect.

Balance (Libra): Galette Complète
The Libra is a very accommodating sign, and similarly, crêpes can have either sweet or savory fillings, satisfying pretty much any palate. Libras are also very good at making simple things look very complicated, much like how a galette complète, basically just a slice of ham, some cheese, and an egg thrown on a crêpe and folded at the edges, looks like a damn masterpiece.

Scorpion (Scorpio): Coq Au Vin
The most mysterious and sexy of the signs, Scorpios are basically the astrological equivalent of a complex red wine. And no dish brings out the flavor of burgundy quite like Coq Au Vin.

Sagittaire (Sagittarius): Tarte Flambée
Saggitarians are fire signs (hence flambée) that can never be tied down to one place, just like how tarte flambée can’t necessarily be tied down to France, as it is also German (and also vaguely Italian since it’s basically a type of pizza). The most Saggitarian Saggitarius in the world, Jim Morrison, is buried in Paris; this has nothing to do with tarte flambée but it’s worth knowing all the same.

Capricorne (Capricorn): Confit De Canard
Only the competent, strategic Capricorn would think of an idea as genius and effective as cooking duck in its own rendered fat. Capricorns also love the fine things in life—and make sure to let everybody know how refined and fancy they are, so they will definitely be ordering confit de canard.

Verseau (Aquarius): Soupe à L’oignon
Aloof Aquarians like keeping their distance initially, keeping their true selves from people who won’t appreciate their progressive and out-of-the-box views. Essentially, they are like French Onion Soups: a simmering broth of warmth and imagination hidden under that big cap of cheese.

Poissons (Pisces): Bouillabaisse
Bouillabaisse is the mother of all seafood dishes, and Pisces is symbolized by fishes. Pisceans are also daydreamers and escapists; they are probably fantasizing about chilling out on a yacht in the South of France eating bouillabaisse and not paying attention to what you’re saying at all.

Article by Nikkitha Bakshani

Posted by: Matt Herzfeld
Category: Food
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